TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is!
TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS : Maria!
__________________________________________________ _________
TEACHER : Why are you late, Frank?
FRANK : Because of the sign.
TEACHER : What sign?
FRANK : The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."
__________________________________________________ ________
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables!
__________________________________________________ _________
TEACHER : Glenn, how do you spell "crocodile?"
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER : No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it s wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!
__________________________________________________ _________
TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER : What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O!
__________________________________________________ _________
TEACHER : Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
__________________________________________________ _________
TEACHER : Goss, why do you always get so dirty?
GOSS : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
__________________________________________________
TEACHER : Millie, give me a sentence starting with "I."
MILLIE : I is...
TEACHER : No, Millie..... Always say, "I am."
MILLIE : All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
__________________________________________________ ________
TEACHER : Clyde, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, teacher, it's the same dog!;
__________________________________________________ ________
TEACHER : Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher

Hope u liked it

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.


Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.


Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.


Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through 'the minds of either'


Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.


Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.


Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.


Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.


Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.


Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.


Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.


Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.


Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.


Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.


Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.


Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.


Atom Bomb: An invention to end all inventions.


Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be wise after death
تحياتى للجميع / ابراهيم حجاج

Funny LOL !!

Chinese speaking to a Chinese operator, no comments read for your self
.

Caller : Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ?
Operator: Yes, you can speak to me.
Caller: No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!
Operator: You are talking to someone! Who is this?
Caller: I'm Sum Wan .And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.
Operator: I know u are someone and u want to talk to anyone! But what's
this urgent matter about?
Caller: Well just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother,Noe Wan
was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being
sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital.
Operator: Look if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital
from the accident that isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious
but I don't have time for this!
Caller: You are so rude! Who are you?
Operator: I'm Saw Lee.
Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!!

hope u like it

CASE 1
Getting married is like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish
you had ordered that.

|3||3||3||3|
CASE 2
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger??"
The other replied, "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

http://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_biggrin.png:D
CASE 3
Before a man is married, he is incomplete.
Then when he is married, he is finished.
http://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_smile.gifhttp://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_smile.gif

CASE 4
Marriage is an institution in which a man losses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's status.


CASE 5
A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married??"
And the father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying for it."


CASE 6
Young son : "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad : "That happens in most countries son."


CASE 7
Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and then it was too late."


CASE 8
A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes


CASE 9
When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

CASE 10
Married life is very frustrating.
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.


CASE 11
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

|2||2||2|
CASE 12
A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified : "Wife wanted". The next day, he received hundreds letters.
They all said the same thing "You can have mine."

http://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/confused.pnghttp://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/confused.png
CASE 13
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing : either the car is new or his wife is new.
http://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_wink.gifhttp://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_wink.gifhttp://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_wink.gifhttp://illiweb.com/fa/i/smiles/icon_wink.gif

CASE 14
A woman was telling her friend : "It is I who made my husband a millionaire.":mad::mad:
"And what was he before you married him?" the friend asked.
The woman replied, "A multimillionaire






Absolute proof of marriage in the Animal Kingdom

__

Riddles of Alphabet

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)
Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)
Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)
Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)
Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "
Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)
Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)
Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)
Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)
Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".
Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.
Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.
Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise
Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".
Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".
Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)
Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".
Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.

Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.

Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.

The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"
=========================================

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.
Submitted by: Abu Jouri

Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot
=========================================

Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!
==================================, Portugal

This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. What happened?
A: The customer had hiccups.


I've used this in many countries in Eastern Europe. It always works - a shock as a hiccup cure appears to be an international thing. ==========================================


Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No idea.(No-eye deer)
==========================================

ESL teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel".

Q: What are two things people never eat before breakfast?
A: Lunch and supper.

Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window?
A: He wanted to see the waterfall.
Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?
A: He wanted to see the butterfly.
Q: Why did the man put the clock in the safe?
A: He wanted to save time.

Q: What has two hands and a face, but no arms and legs?
A: A clock.
Q: What has a neck, but no head?
A: A bottle.
Q: Where is the ocean the deepest?
A: On the bottom.

Q: Why did the man throw his watch out of the window?
A: He wanted to see time fly. ================================================== ==========

Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall?
A: Dam!

(After teaching about telling time)
Teacher: What time is it?
Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?
Teacher: Nope.
Students: About nine o'clock?
Teacher: No.
Students: What then?
Teacher: It's time to go home

Q: What do you call 'a fly' without wings?
A: You call it 'a walk.'

Q: What animal is it that has four legs a tail and flies?
A: A dead horse!

Q: What a bee says when it gets in the hive?
A: Hi Honey! I'm home!

Q: Do you know where people send a horse when it is sick?
A: To a horsepital.

Q: Why is it impossible to starve in the desert?
A: Because of all the sandwiches (sand which is) there.

Q: Why do people call their own language their mother tongue?
A: Because their fathers seldom get a chance to use it.
NOTE: For this to be funny, students need to understand that in many cultures women have the image of speaking so much that their husbands seldom have a chance to say anything.

Q: What did the undertaker die of?
A: Coughin' (coffin)

A: What's the longest word in the dictionary?
B; Rubber-band -- because it streches.

Q: What is the longest word?
A: Smiles, because there is a mile between the first and last s

Q: What's the difference between a lion with toothache and a wet day?
A: One's roaring with pain the other's pouring with rain

Q: What's the difference between a TEACHER and a CONDUCTOR ?
A: A teacher TRAINS the MIND and a conductor MINDS the TRAIN

Q: Which is faster, heat or cold?
A: Heat, because you can catch a cold.

Q: Why did the student take a ladder to school?
A: Because he/she was going to high school!

Q: A father and his son were in a car accident. The father died. The son was taken to the hospital. The doctor came in and said: I can't do surgery on him, because he's my son. Who was the doctor?
A: The doctor was his mother.

سبحان الله, سبحان الله, سبحان الله
سبحانك ربي, سبحانك
سبحانك ما اعظم شأنك
سبحانك ربي, سبحانك
ندعوك ونرجو غفرانك ربي

As I travel through the earth
I can hear n' notice
The symphony I hear around from
The smallest green of sand to the far away planets
To the flower putting woods n' the ground,
Every bird in the sky, every rock
And every green drop
Says as the bosom of clouds
Every ant, every plant, every breeze
N' all the seas
They all r' sayin'

سبحانك ربي
سبحانك ما اعظم شانك
سبحانك ربي , سبحانك
سبحانك ما اعظم شانك
ندعوك ونرجو غفرانك
ندعوك ونرجو غفرانك, ربي

جل الله في كل كونٍ له
المحبوب الله
وذكرُ ربي في دقاتِ قلبي
يهتفُ بسم الله
خلقُ الله, صنعُ الله
ما ابهاه
والاكوان تسبحو بسم الله
جل الله في علاه
يا رباه يا رحمن, الله

سبحانك ربي
سبحانك ما اعظم شانك
سبحانك ربي, سبحانك
سبحانك مااعظم شانك
ندعوك وبرجو غفرانك
ندعوك وبرجو غفرانك ربي

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